days of nuwanda

Fellow realistic mom

I love this blog posted by a Mom after my own heart! (You must read the whole thing, but here's a funny clip...)

My point is this. I used to worry that not only was I failing to do a good enough job at parenting, but that I wasn't enjoying it enough. Double failure. I felt guilty because I wasn't in parental ecstasy every hour of every day and I wasn't MAKING THE MOST OF EVERY MOMENT like the mamas in the parenting magazines seemed to be doing. I felt guilty because honestly, I was tired and cranky and ready for the day to be over quite often. And because I knew that one day, I'd wake up and the kids would be gone, and I'd be the old lady in the grocery store with my hand over my heart. Would I be able to say I enjoyed every moment? No.

But the fact remains that I will be that nostalgic lady. I just hope to be one with a clear memory. And here's what I hope to say to the younger mama gritting her teeth in line:

"It's hard, isn't it? You're a good mom, I can tell. And I like your kids, especially that one peeing in the corner. She's my favorite. Carry on, warrior. Six hours till bedtime."

People who pretend that parenting is joyful all the time are not living in reality, and I think we do a disservice to our friends when we wear the "I've got it all under control" mask. Parenting is work, people. Yes, there are these whopper rewards, in the form of hugs and smiles and precious moments when you see the handiwork of God in His precious creation. But anyone who says, "I loved every single minute of it when my son was a toddler!" is clearly unstable and suffering from amnesia. And I'm very suspicious of them. For real. :) 

New job and more

A week ago my Man started a new phase of his career by joining a new company. He's doing pretty much the same IT consulting--content management, document imaging--this time strictly as a business analyst. This transition followed months of unease at work and more stuff I won't get into here. Bottom line was that he wanted to leave his job, wasn't sure how easy it would be to get out due to a stiff non-compete contract, and then finally decided to just stay put and enjoy the world of employment when so many others are out of work.

That was when God did something cool--he sent employers after him big time. In the span of two months, he had 4 companies pursue him and offer him a job, all w/o him having lifted a finger to search for a job. These were former customers/coworkers who had beey very impressed w/ him on previous projects. (It was a much-needed boost to his confidence, too.) It became so clear that we were not in control, that we were simply to trust and ride the wave and see where God was taking him, so we prayed and followed. This led to 2 in-person interviews--one in Dallas, one in Richmond, VA--both which were great, but the VA job won him over w/ their great team, and he started w/ them last week.

God also worked out the other details, including a nice response from his former employer when he left. They were sad to lose him, and gave no indication of any infrigement of the non-compete clause that we'd been so worried about. (They technically have one year to pursue this, but we don't feel they have any reason to.)

This new job is a great step forward and puts my Man right where he wanted to be--using his skill sets again, focused on the business analysis portion, plus opportunities to learn new products. He came back from this interview so pumped, I knew in my heart he would be taking that job almost immediately. Currently he's working on a team in NC and traveling back-n-forth each week. Not our ideal, but I believe that him loving his job is important, and we can manage at home. He won't be on the road forever. 

As an interesting twist on this story, the VA company has asked that we consider relocating to VA within the next year or so. We knew this when he accepted their offer, yet still took the job. People look at me like I'm crazy when I tell them I have peace about possibly moving 12 hours away from Indiana, to a place where we know exactly 3 people in the entire state (we have friends who moved there 2 years ago), to a state far from our family and friends, to a place where we have no real connections and know next to nothing about the area....but I really do have peace. And I know why--God gave it to me. I think He's been preparing us for this scenario for a long time, and again, wants us to simply trust in His good plan and be willing to go where He leads. God's fingerprints are all over this thing, and I have to trust that He's got some cool stuff planned up ahead. Pray with us!

Isaiah 26:3 (Amplified Bible)

You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and hopes confidently in You.

Christian Compassion

This article is very cool--a staunch atheist and anti-Christian-activist becomes a Christian after a group of Christians show compassion and help him out. It's the kind of story we shouldn't be surprised by, shouldn't really make the news b/c it should be happening all the time to not be news-worthy, right? Sadly, no. We are all guilty of forgetting Jesus' revised version of the commandments in  Matthew 5:43-48

 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

...and I admit I get angry w/ people/politicians/celebrities and call them names like stupid, unintelligent idiots when they go around bashing Christianity and conservative beliefs and practices and want tolerance from us but won't give any. I get ugly. I show anything but compassion. And it's wrong, and I'm convicted of it. God's been doing a work in my heart about it big time in the last year. I even have a couple democratic friends!

Ok, I said that tongue-in-cheek, but seriously, growing up, I thought there was NO WAY Democrats could believe in Jesus. Republican always = Christian. My eyes have ben opened BIG TIME!

The end of this story is a guy coming to faith in Jesus, not just b/c some people showed his compassion, but b/c GOD did an amazing work in his heart, just like He did in mine. But let's face it--most stories do not end rosy. Most nonbelievers stay in their nonbelief, but Jesus' commandment is still relevant: "Love your enemies."

Lord, help me to show compassion to everyone, to love regardless of beliefs, political views, or associations. Show me how to love outside my comfort zone. Help me not to be a stumbling block to any searching for faith by my lack of compassion toward all men. Give me your eyes to see them as you see them, as sheep without a shepherd. And remind my arrogant heart of where I came from. 

Invasion of Privacy 101

My IT friends have been discussing this article about a gentleman who was asked to share his Facebook login and password with a potential employer. Yah, you read that right...in an interview, they asked him to GIVE THEM his login and password, so they could check out his FB page. Not even just friending him, but viewing all of his personal info. There are so many things wrong w/ this scenario, the least of which is an invasion of privacy. Your FB page contains tons of info that employers are not legally allowed to ask about in an interview--your age, your religious affiliation, your marital status, your political views, to name a few--so this steps on the toes of all sorts of things. As one of my friends put it, "If I asked someone for their login/password and they actually gave it to me, I would NEVER hire that person, especially in the IT field."  Obviously this is an at-will situation. This man didn't have to give in, didn't have to have this particular job, and he withdrew his application--and rightly so. The other guy seeking a law enforcement position, however, did give his login info b/c he felt he had no choice.

Apparently some agencies also ask for email logins. What the heck? I would laugh in the face of anyone who demanded to view my FB page or my email b/c as the writer says, it's like asking someone for their house keys. Where do we draw the line? How far should an employer dig into your life to gauge your compatibility w/ their company? As far as you let them, I guess. The implications here are very interesting. A couple states are proposing legislation that would make such a request illegal, so we've definitely not heard the end of this. 

Let's get real

I really like this writer's perspective of the new film based on Donald Miller's Book Blue Like Jazz, and how mainstream movements shy away from anything remotely controversial. Like the author, I am not a Christian-movie-goer....meaning, I don't enjoy the "Christian movie" genre. I have not seen films like Fireproof or Courageous and I'm not bashing either of those by saying that. Most of my friends love them, but they are just not for me. (I know this is a hot button, so I'm hitting it quickly and moving on...)

Blue Like Jazz inspired me as a book b/c it was real and muddy and not all-tied-up-in-a-pretty-little-bow at the end. Sure, it was irreverent, sometimes questionable, and raised eyebrows more than once, but it stopped me in my tracks b/c I related so much. And maybe that's the issue...people don't want to admit they relate to someone who doesn't have it all together. I, for one, find it refreshing. And I suspect the movie will refresh and inspire lots of people. I say YAY to anyone being real about life and real about faith.

Is abstinence even possible anymore?

Here's a great blog on abstinence. Really honest and very well said. The author is right--it's pretty much assumed nowadays that it's impossible to not live the casual-sex-lifestyle--and we should stop accepting that lie! One of my biggest beefs w/ movies and tv shows is the casual, random sex. It doesn't matter how much I like the characters of a show--if they are sleeping around like it's casual and meaningless, I will turn it off. Not b/c I'm uber holier-than-thou, but b/c I don't like how my mind begins to accept it. I don't live like sex is casual, so why should I watch it? 

I could say so much more about this topic, including my own mistakes and the mis-information that lots of churches teach that make us feel guilty for even being attracted to the opposite sex at all, but this topic usually lands me on my knees (and rightly so!) as I think about guiding my own children. 

Lord, help us as we teach our children, to be real about the sexual temptation we all face, but to fully realize the power of the Holy Spirit in us, convicting us of sin, IF we allow Him room to work. 

Facing peer pressure without losing yourself

I had the coolest conversation w/ Jacob this week. It's always obvious when he's gotten in trouble at school--he has an air about him as soon as he walks in the door, a guilty air. So he explained what happened (a tiff w/ another boy about LEGOs) and it led to this deep talk on friendship and fitting in w/ your peers.

I think as parents you never imagine *your* child would ever have trouble fitting in. You see them as these cute, funny, amazing little people who are popular and well-liked. The reality, of course, is that every child in the history of the world has been made fun of, picked on, and felt like they had no friends at one time other another, usually many times. Kids pick on anyone different from them, for whatever reason which changes almost daily. Kids pick on other kids who are too smart, not smart enough, too tall, too short, too fat, too skinny, too rich, too poor...and everyone was at some point in life, on both ends of the spectrum--the kid picking on someone else and the kid being picked on. 

Bottom line for Jacob is that he's trying really hard to fit in w/ a certain group of boys who play LEGOs at recess. (During the winter months when they can't play outside, they have to stay in their classrooms, which sounds ridiculous to me and frustrates him b/c most of his friends are in another class.) Anyhow, for some reason, these boys  seem to not want him in their group. It could just be a personality thing (Jacob can be a bit tedious and anal when it comes to making up rules for games!) or it could simply be they just don't like him. Either way, he worries about it. Now he is only 9, so his worry is mainly that he has no one to play w/ at recess, not that his social life has fallen apart. But it's interesting that even at this age, he's willing to make changes to join a group. He's been saving his money to buy a big LEGO set for quite a while now, but then suddenly he was looking at completely different sets. It didn't matter to me, but through our conversation, I learned that he wants to buy a set w/ more figures in it b/c that's what the "cool boys" play with. A decision based on peer pressure. 

That led to a cool time of sharing my own struggles w/ peer pressure and trying to fit in. I said,

"Jacob, if you wanna buy the set w/ all the figures, go for it. It's your money. But don't buy something b/c you think it'll make you fit in. Don't try to please other people all the time. Because you know what?"

He responded, "Next week they'll be playing w/ something else, won't they?"

He totally got it. Then we both got emotional when I told him that the best way to make friends is 1) to be the kind of person people should want to be friends with and 2) to just be himself. After all, if you change who you are for someone else, you will always, always regret it. 

I know we've barely scratched the surface of peer pressure in school, in life in general, but I hope we laid some foundation for when the real stuff comes. 

Lord, thank you for the tender heart of my son. I hate to see him upset at all, but I know that this is how he learns and grows. Help him to never lose himself, the boy you made him to be, in the search for friendship and acceptance. Guide him and encourage him.

Whatever this day may bring

A powerful prayer from Dietrich Boneffer...

Triune God, my Creator and my Savoir,
this day belongs to you. My time is in your hands.
Holy, merciful God, my Creator and my Savoir,
my Judge and my Redeemer,
you know me and all my ways and doings.
You hate and punish evil in this world and in that world
without regard for the person;
you forgive the sins of those who ask you sincerely,
and you love the good and reward it
on this earth with the comfort of conscience
and in the world to come with the crown of righteousness.
(2 Timothy 4:8)
Lord, whatever this day may bring, 
may your name be praised. 

Friendship redefined

Am I the only 30+ something who feels like their friendships have changed so completely, so quickly, so drastically, that you barely have time to keep up? Like you went to bed one night, woke the next morning, and the world changed while you slept? Ann Brashares, the author of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, wrote that the hardest thing about maintaining friendships is the loss of context. You go to the same high school, you are college roommates, you work together, you join the same Mommy-n-Toddler playgroup...but when that context is gone, your friendship wanes. You graduate and lose touch. You move away and lose touch. You get a new job and lose touch. Life moves on, and the context of your life is like the ocean, and most of your friendships come in waves. 

I've wanted to blog about this for a long time, but something always kept me back. Maybe it's b/c my friends read this blog, so they just might read into what I'm writing and get some funky ideas about me, like the truth. :) Truth is I'm in a weird spot of life, when I've lost many friends, made many new friends, struggle to hold onto the old, while trying to deepen the new bonds...and I suck at it all. I feel completely unable to maintain intimate friendships w/ anyone, new or old, save a couple people I can't get away from if I wanted to. (HA! Kidding, Mel & Lisa!) I can't keep up w/ what's happening in the lives of my friends, what their kids are up to, how they are really doing mentally/spiritually, or sometimes where the heck they are living now. How is it in this age of being instantaneously in touch w/ everyone and everything all at once, I can feel so out of touch???

And then there's the guilt. I feel guilty when I run into people that I meant to call, friends that I have been meaning to reach out to, people I know it would be great to connect with, but I just don't do it. And I know the road to hell is paved w/ good intentions, but really, my intentions are good. I want to connect more, but I'm spent. Or rather my time is spent. I've intentionally answered my phone less, established a no-texting-or-answering-calls-during-dinner rule for our house, and just poured myself into more face-time w/ my kids, my Hubby, and other family and people I do regularly interact with where I feel God is leading me to invest. And then I cut out Facebook for the month of December. Not to be anti-social, but to just unplug a bit and refocus. (More about that experiement later...)

 The end result? 1) Prayer. God alone can help me figure out my priorities and keep me on task. And 2) a big dose of reality. I love meeting new people and connecting w/ old friends; it's as much about encouraging others as it is about filling up my own feel-good tank. But I don't need to befriend every single lady in the Bible study or go thru the phonebook and reach out to everyone I know who might need a little encouragement every day of the week. God's not calling me to have such a ridiculous number of friends in my circle, that I am too stretched to really be a friend to anyone. (And I'm just not that important!) But God does arrange my paths, put people on my path for a reason, give me certain likes/dislikes that line up to other people and makes us "click", and He does want me to pursue those people in my path for His purpose. 

All of that said and as lost as I feel some days, I am utterly grateful for the dear friends God has put in my life! I miss the days of staying up til 3 in the morning chatting w/ friends over coffee, writing long letters back-n-forth (before email--ha!), and talking on the phone every day. Remember when we had time for that--when we were 16? :) Almost 20 years later I'm still the girl who is energized by time w/ friends, even if not as often as I'd like. And the reality is, having one true friend is better than winning the lottery, and I have a handful of lifelong soulmates that have stayed w/ me thru all the rough waves of life, so I am rich indeed! 

Lord, help me to be available to my friends as you lead. Help me to be open to new friendships. Help me to accept the ups-n-downs that sometimes come over the course of relationships. Help me to let go when it's time. Help me to hold on where appropriate. Above all, lead me to spend my time wisely, to invest in the lives all around me. 

Something given and free

I love what Bonhoffer wrote about what joy is and isn't (from the daily devotional I Want to Live These Days with You)...

Everlasting joy shall be upon their heads. (Isaiah 35:10)

Since the ancient times, in the Christian church, sadness of heart, resignation--has been considered a mortal sin. "Serve the Lord with gladness!" (Psam 100:2), urges the Scripture. For this, our life has been given to us, and for this, it has been sustained for us to this present hour...How are we supposed to be able to help those who are without joy and courage, if we ourselves are not borne by courage and joy? What is meant here is not something made or forced, but something given and free. With God there is joy, and from him it comes down and seizes spirit, soul, and body. And where this joy has seized a person, it reaches out around itself, it pulls others along, it bursts through closed doors. There is a kind of joy that knows nothing at all of the pain, distress, and anxiety of the heart. But it cannot last; it can only numb for a time. The joy of God has gone through the poverty of the manger and the distress of the cross; therefore, it is invincible and irrefutable.