days of nuwanda

Do you ever wonder if you're getting it right?

I do lately. In many ways, all of which are insignificant in the grander scheme of the universe and don't mean squat to the world at large. But in my small plot of life, I ponder much and come away w/ questions. I remember being 17 and wondering if these questions would be answered throughout life, or if I would simply find new questions. Definitely the latter.

Much on my mind, most of it lost between the couch cushions of my busy life. I miss the days of clear thinking and reading and writing (pre-children, ironically :) and wonder if that part of me will ever return, or if I've permanently lost brain cells watching Barney and the Backyardigans. I think I'm still relatively intelligent...but I can't really remember what that feels like anymore. I miss college classes. I miss studying philosophy and worldviews and political science and linguistics. I miss debating and arguing. I miss writing papers. None of it changed the world or made a blip on the radar of time, but it made me think, and I miss that. I miss thinking.

Such are the days of our lives...

Quote to make you smile on Monday morning

Grace likes to tease and say silly things, not unlike her father and I. She calls Jacob "knucklehead" which sometimes offends him, so we're working on not calling names. One word we don't allow in reference to anyone is stupid. Last night she was teasing her cousin Jordan after church and said, "You're stupid!" in a silly way to him. I overheard and immediately made her apologize, so she ran to him, gave him a big hug and said, "Sorry you're stupid!" Ha! We couldn't help but laugh! The intent was there, but came out all wrong. :)

My afternoon went a little like this...

12:03--make PB & J's for lunch. Use cool new dinosaur sandwich cut-out thingie. Pat myselt on back for being a cool mom and buying it.

12:06--sit down to eat dino'wiches w/ kiddos. Pretend to be horrified that they are eating dinosaurs ("No, not his head...not his tail...not his foot!"), which brings on incessant giggling and they both assure me, "it's just food, Mom!", and both inhale their food faster than ever before. Pat myself on back again. I am so cool.

12:22--we all brush teeth

12:24--read "Count the Ways, Little Brown Bear" to Grace before naptime. Tuck her in.

12:26--realize that all 3 kids are occuped or napping (Grace napping, Harrison napping, and Jacob is engrossed in Godzilla Wii game), so figure this is primetime for a Mommy Nap. Woohoo! Head to bed.

12:46--Harrison starts fussing. He's fed, he's changed, so I let him go.

12:55--Still fussing. Insert bink and all is quiet.

1:11--Fussing again, no clue why. Hold him for a bit. He zonks out. Put him back to bed. I crawl back into bed.

1:23--More fussing, bink works again.

1:40--serious fussing, like, "Mom, I mean it! I need something!" Not feeding time yet, so rock him a while and he's perfectly contented (of course). Put him back to bed. Crawl back into bed.

1:53--Crying again. Let him try to cry it out, but escalating to window-shattering level of screams, so pick him up and cuddle. Lots of cuddling.

2:15--Decide it's time to feed him. He eats like a maniac, burps, and zonks out. Put him to bed. Crawl back into bed myself, thinking, AHA, now we will get some sleep!

2:19--Grace wakes up crying in her room, and all attempts at my naptime are officially ended. It's a conspiracy, I tell ya!

I still got it (pardon the bad grammar)

...the mommy touch, that is. I made up "the happy song" and sang it to Boo the night he came home from the hospital at 4 days old, and it became our special song whenever he needed a little cheering up. No one else has heard our happy song, not even daddy! It's top secret! 3 1/2 year old Boo hasn't needed the happy song much lately; it's been a long time since I've sung it to him. But tonight he whispered to me out of the blue, "Sing me the hapy song!" and I got a big tingle. He grinned from ear to ear as I sang, and I tickled him at the end just like always, and tucked him in bed. He's getting so big, I thought maybe he was over the happy song, but he still got that look in his eye like he did when he was just a year old, as though this song really does make him feel good, as though he knows how very special it is to me, as though he knows I'm holding a teeny tiny baby boy in my arms every time I sing it, not a bounding pre-schooler, as though he knows I need to sing it to him probably more than he needs to hear it.

I love both of my kids the same. I would never play favorites. But there is something so dear to my heart about those memories of being a first-time mom, holding my first baby in my arms, and singing the happy song.

Balancing Act Report, Week 1

Well, one week of back to working from home is over, and I'm exhausted. Trying to work at least 4 hours a day and be a mother of two is wearing me out. I take comfort in the fact that this is our first week at it, and with time and practice we will get into a better routine and perfect this. But for now I'm discouraged. I don't want to work. I know it isn't about what I WANT. I'm kinda struggling w/ my attitude tonight. When I started working from home 2 1/2 years ago, it was purely a side thing. Hubby's job was good, and my income was just icing on the cake. If I wanted to work just 10 hours a week I could cut back, or I could work more. There was no pressure on me to bring in $$. But then hubby was let go and his new job pays poorly, and suddenly my income became very important to our bottom line. I HAVE to work instead of I CAN work when I have time. That difference makes me feel tied down. It puts a pressure on me that I don't like. This is nothing new; it's been like this for 1 1/2 years. But with 2 kids now the pressure is increasing, and I feel like I'm failing at everything--being a mother, a housekeeper, laundry maid, cook, wife, and employe-- all at once. I know the sky isn't falling, but tonight it feels like it just might. I need to spend some time in prayer to calm my irritated nerves and get a new perspective. My life really isn't all about me and what fulfills me. I keep telling myself this. But how do I live that out every day, and yet still keep my sanity? James 1:5 says that if you need wisdom, you need to ask God because He will give it to you. After all, He is God. He IS wisdom, so I think He can empower little ol' me w/ the wisdom I need. So I'm off to ask...

P.S. Thank you, Lord, for my amazing husband who knew how tired I was tonight after running errands to 4 stores and did the dishes for me! You gave me a great man!