So life has thrown us some curve balls lately. I'm trying not to get out of whack completely. Today though the reality of the pain I'm feeling as I try to do things overcame me about lunchtime, when Grace was throwing a fit and the dog was trying to eat Grace's soup on the table (again!) and I seemed unable to control anything in my world. I spent the morning telling myself I would not focus on how awful I was feeling and how irritating it is that I'm not improving and how much sick time at work I'm using up that I was saving for my maternity leave in February and how many medical bills are piling up, even before Baby John is born.......but then I just kinda lost it. My arm feels worse than ever, and I worry that I'm using it too much and making it worse. And my ankle downright H.A.T.E.S. me, even when I have it propped up. It's been almost 2 weeks. Shouldn't I be getting relief, not getting worse? The only time I feel good is when I am doing nothing, and you tell me how often doing nothing is an option in my life?
But I can't stay and wallow in this pit of self-pity. God has blessed us so much in the last couple of weeks, and I need to focus on that.
- He has given me an amazing Husband who has been my strength--both physically and emotionally--and has been running this household w/o complaint for almost 2 weeks
- He sent us 2 angels (known to others as my Mother and Father-in-law) who have done so, so much for us, many times before we even had a chance to ask for help
- He has sent a chauffeur service (that look an awful lot like Grandpa & Grandma) to take Jacob to and from preschool every day
- He worked it out that Hubby did not have to go to San Francisco this week--I would be lost w/o him right now!
- He has sent awesome people here w/ hot meals prepared for us out of the kindness of their hearts
- He gave us encouraging friends and family who have helped w/ the kids and running errands and just providing good company
- He sent us extra $$ for our unseen expenses out of the blue
- He even worked out the dog's travel arrangements w/ the adoption agency this week, so that we do not have to make the trip to their animal hospital down in Indy to have Roxy spayed
- And He has lots of people praying for us!
When I see all of that, I wonder how I could be feeling down? We have so much, and maybe sometimes I complain b/c I don't want to deal w/ all that He's given me right now, but I know that it's for a reason. I was reading James this morning and reflecting on 1:2-4...
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
God doesn't like it when we struggle, but He knows that is pretty much the only way we LEARN and GROW. And I'm feeling those growing pains, let me tell you! :) I know God does not want me to pray for this all to go away and everything to be peachy; He wants me to pray my way through it, trusting, depending, leaning on Him, and allowing Him to teach me. Lord, don't take me out of the struggle; just give me grace for each moment!
You are in my prayers and thoughts. Sorry I haven't been in touch. Read my posts for some explanation. I know how frustrating it can be when you feel terrible and there is "so much to do". But God knows and understands - and I know you know that too. Try to be as still as possible, put on some praise and worship music, and recite all the things you have to be thankful for - it works for me. God loves y'all - wish I could bake you a big pan of lasagna and bore you to tears with stories. God's blessings to you. Oh - and I have a message for your wonderful Hubby on my blog (big grin).
Posted by: lillium | November 13, 2007 at 09:34 AM